I am not okay with this

Overcoming Self-Doubt and Embracing True Self-Confidence

Important note: I am not a therapist. If you believe you may have NPD, BPD, or any other cluster B disorder, please seek help from a qualified therapist. However, if you're picking up some egotistical or toxic traits in yourself, but you're generally a good egg, read on...

Today, I want to open up a conversation about something that's been weighing on my mind.

How come all men are narcissists?

If TikTok and Instagram are to be believed, all men are now toxic narcissists, hiding in the shadows, waiting to pounce on unsuspecting women in the manner of the wolf in Little Red Riding Hood. But, are they? We live in a time of increasingly ego-driven entertainment. Both Millennials and Gen Z have been raised to lead with ego, and Generation Alpha is now manifesting into a world obsessed with personal brand and cancel culture. So, if society as a whole is becoming more narcissistic, of course men are. 

But, having traits of narcissism or egotism and having a full cluster B disorder are not the same thing. 

The latter can take years to heal (healing is possible) or bring under the management of the person with the condition, but if you're just a bit 'beezy' then you may not even need therapy to make changes in your life that lead you from a path of self-doubt to one of true self-confidence. 

But, isn't narcissism (or egotism) self-confidence?

Absolutely not. And this is the thing with which I'm not okay. As a society, we're not going to help men step up and become their most chivalrous selves by relentlessly cancelling them for using the mask of ego to avoid exposing trauma wounds. If shaming whole groups of people for their mental health worked, Big Psychology would be Small Psychology by now. 

As a Chivalry Coach and a firm believer in empowering individuals to become their best selves, I simply cannot stand by and watch as men are plagued by self-doubt, veering off the path of true self-confidence and falling into the snare of narcissism. It's time to address this issue head-on and help men reclaim their authentic power.

Hold up! You're saying men need MORE power?

Yes. Everyone does. Everyone requires self-empowerment to self-actualise. Disempowering men won't make them behave better. Men who struggle with ego-focused drives are chasing power, yes, but they're not actually empowered. The REASON they relentlessly chase power, money, fame, lust, etc is BECAUSE they're disempowered. They're seeing power as an outside job. They have an extrinsic locus of power and identity. At its extreme, that becomes narcissism. It is seeking outside yourself for the power that was inherently yours all along. Let me break it down. 

The Battle Within

In a journey towards self-improvement, we often encounter the menacing spectre of self-doubt. And it IS a spectre. It hides in the shadows. Do you see how the menacing villain of self-doubt can manifest into the menacing villain of the narcissist if it isn't stopped? Read on.

Self-doubt is that nagging voice inside our heads that questions our worth, our abilities, and our potential for success. Some people even call it 'perfectionism' and act like it's a good thing. But here's the thing, king: self-doubt is not our ally. It's a cunning adversary that attempts to hold us back from embracing our true potential. In women, that can lead us more often to turn down our light so it doesn't shine in other people's eyes. In men, it's more likely to lead to narcissism. 

The Narcissism Trap

In the face of self-doubt, some men find themselves veering towards the treacherous path of narcissism. It can feel like an escape, a shield against the insecurities that plague them. But let me be clear: true self-confidence is not found in the shallow waters of narcissism.

When you're in an egotistical state, you think:

They suck. They are the villain. They are not good enough. They are not loveable. They are faking. They are going to get found out one day. They can't be trusted. They don't trust themselves.

None of this is completely true. 

Forget 'them' for a moment. 'They' are not the key to your confidence. True self-confidence isn't about proving everyone else wrong, or peacocking around and showing off. It's not about putting ourselves above others or seeking external validation. It's about a deep-rooted belief in our own worth and capabilities, without tearing others down. And this isn't a message that is being shared widely with men within the online communities of the manosphere and PuA culture. Instead, the dark triad approach is taught. Why? BECAUSE IT MAKES YOU EASIER TO CONTROL.

Seriously. Think about it. If you're taught that there is a specific blueprint that you must follow without question, that absolutely punishes men if they show flexibility or nuance... how does that not make you an absolute puppet to your puppet master? It's a lesson in disempowerment, divide and conquer, and black-and-white thinking. In cluster B disorders, black-and-white thinking is called 'splitting'. It's a trauma response. It's what people do when they're so traumatised by things they experienced in young life that they can no longer look those events or emotions in the face. So, instead, everyone is either 'good' or 'bad'. Every situation is either 'good' or 'bad'. Someone is your friend or your enemy. Your partner or a villain. People are either with you or against you. The best form of defence is attack. Etc. Isn't that EXHAUSTING? What's worse is that in the shame spirals that follow splitting, you get to the truth of the concern:

You suck. You are the villain. You are not good enough. You are not loveable. You are faking. You are going to get found out one day. You can't be trusted. You don't trust yourself.

None of this is completely true. 

Choosing the Path of True Self-Confidence

It's time to make a different choice, my friend. Reject the allure of narcissism and embrace true self-confidence. It starts with acknowledging self-doubt, facing it head-on, and dismantling the negative beliefs that hold us all back. Because this isn't just something men experience, and it isn't just something narcissists experience. We all go through this to some extent. The 'anti-narcissists' (empaths) go through it as badly as the narcissists do. It's a journey of self-discovery and self-acceptance, understanding that our worth comes from within and cannot be measured by external standards. There's no shame in saying that you messed up in the past, and now want to do better. That's growth. That's courage. That's chivalrous. 

Building a Supportive Community

No man is an island, and you don't have to face this battle alone. I have a supportive community where people uplift and encourage one another, fostering an environment where true self-confidence can flourish. Hop in. Take part in challenges. Surround yourself with positive influences, and engage in open conversations about shared struggles and victories. And, when you're ready to get serious about becoming a chivalrous king, sign up for The New Chivalry and do the deep work. 

Conclusion

To my fellow warrior, let's stand together and declare, "I am not okay with this!" Let's support men as they defy self-doubt, shun the path of narcissism, and embrace true self-confidence.

As we all embark on this journey, remember that it's not about perfection but progress. Support your brothers, celebrate your growth, and we can all strive to become the best versions of ourselves. Together, men can all rise above self-doubt, empower yourselves and create a new narrative that redefines what it means to be confident men. And I am right here to support and cheer that transformation and elevation.

Remember, King: true self-confidence is not an overnight achievement. It's a lifelong commitment to personal growth and self-belief. Let's embark on this transformative journey and help you reclaim your authentic power. The time is now. Let's make it happen!

Rebecca Bardess

Founder, and Chivalry Coach at Indiepreneur.Academy